Reports Claim Olympic Athletes Are Injecting Their D*cks to Fly Further When Ski Jumping

Just when you thought sports had officially run out of ways to surprise you, ski jumping said, “hold my beer.”

According to reports out of Europe, the World Anti-Doping Agency is now looking into claims that some Olympic-level ski jumpers may be enhancing performance by injecting their own junk with hyaluronic acid. Yes, that hyaluronic acid. The same stuff people put in their faces to look younger. Allegedly now being used… elsewhere.

The story first popped up in Germany’s Bild, which claimed officials are investigating whether athletes are using some extremely creative anatomy-based workarounds to gain an edge. If this sounds insane, that’s because it is.

This whole thing traces back to ski jumping’s long running suit drama. In recent years, multiple athletes have been busted for manipulating their competition suits, especially around the crotch area, to create extra lift in the air. A bigger suit equals more air resistance, slower descent, and longer jumps. Physics is undefeated.

One study reportedly found that every extra two centimeters of suit circumference can reduce drag by about four percent and boost lift by roughly five percent. That can translate to nearly six extra meters on a jump, which in ski jumping is basically the difference between a medal and going home sad.

To stop the suit shenanigans, officials now measure athletes using 3D body scanners, with data taken from the lowest point of the genitals. Naturally, athletes allegedly responded by finding new ways to “optimize” that measurement.

According to reporting cited by The Guardian, some jumpers have allegedly resorted to injecting acid into their penis or stuffing clay into their underwear to temporarily increase measurements during inspections. Once the suit is approved, they compete with a looser fit and a physics advantage.

When asked about the claims, WADA president Witold Banka gave the most understated response imaginable, saying he was “going to look at it.”

So yes, we are now officially living in a world where Olympic regulators may have to investigate penis injections in ski jumping. Sports are back, baby.